Contentment and Acceptance

contentment and acceptance

I do not want what I do not have. - Sinead O'Connor

When most of us think of having a better life, we immediately think about all the changes that would bring us more happiness. More money. A better job. A relationship. A better physique. But one of Taoism's central messages is that these changes really won't affect your level of happiness. In Taoist terms, anyone can find a higher level of satisfaction no matter what their circumstance by doing one simple thing: accepting the present.

If you've ever met someone who seems at peace, it is at least in part because this person has accepted him or herself just as they are. They don't seek to be anything but their natural selves and are not on that perpetual treadmill of wanting to make themselves better.

Many of us are the opposite of at peace with our lives. We want to improve, be different, be happier, have more things. We set goals, we go to extremes to change our lives. Lao Tzu tells us to walk away from this obsession. Our present is already "fierce with reality" and full of everything the Tao has to offer, if we can only see it.

At one time in my life I was desperately unhappy. I thought I had made so many mistakes and felt life wasn't worth living because I had messed it up so bad. Then I became acquainted with an older lady who lived near me. I had seen her often zipping around town in an unimpressive compact car, but I noticed she was always smiling. We started chatting a bit and somehow or another she came to the point that she loved her life and all the experiences she had had. Interestingly, though she was 40 years older, we had grown up in the same town 250 miles away and had even attended the same high school. She had gone to college to become a teacher (which ironically I was at the time), but while in school got a job as a secretary and loved it so much that she dropped out and made that her career. She glowed talking about it. I had been a secretary for a while, too, and though I enjoyed it, I thought it was "beneath" my potential, so I became a teacher (and felt as unfulfilled as ever). This lady and I shared similar educational paths and career paths, and now here we lived in the same town, two houses away from each other. (By the way I hated this dumpy town in the middle of Wyoming; she of course found it beautiful.) As I thought about this woman, I realized we had lived very similar lives, but she was ecstatic about her life while I was miserable and spent countless days, weeks and even years mulling over why I made the choices I had made and how I was going to get to a place where I could finally live the life I was meant to live. The realization was jarring: maybe my discontent was not caused by my choices or the relationships or situations I found myself in but rather by my inability to see the good in what life had given me.

Lao Tzu tells us to choose to be content with what we have. Most of the things we believe we need to be happy are less important than we think they are. What is most important is freely available to everyone through the Tao. When we accept this, we accept every part of our life and we start to see everything with new eyes. And so the first of only three "rules" of Taoism is to choose contentment. I say choose because it really is a choice. We often believe that if something happens, then we will be content. And our modern world fully supports that mindset. We are on a constant path to get to that magical place where happiness resides. Once you graduate from college, once you get a good job, once you get married, once you have your own house, once you work for yourself, once you have enough in the bank, once you have plastic surgery, and on and on. And these things might increase your quality of life a bit, but never to the extent you expect. T.S. Eliot said "When you get there, there is no there there." Nothing could be more true. The only way to find contentment is to find it in the present moment, in the now. Here and now is as perfect and beautiful a place as any you will ever encounter.

Acceptance is closely related to the concept of Wu Wei, because by accepting things, we are allowing chi to flow. When we don’t accept or we try to hold on to things, we stop the flow of chi. Remember this doesn’t mean things will stay as they are, because the nature of the Tao is change. When we accept things, we let life flow, and the Tao will direct things where they need to go to maintain balance in the grand design. A very powerful line in verse 64 says

The Master takes action by letting things take their course.

We may think accepting something is doing nothing, but as this verse says, by accepting something, we are actually allowing things to take their proper course, which is an action, and a wise and powerful one at that.

Sometimes in trying to fully accept our lives, we encounter things that we legitimately don't accept or like. Are we to just accept those things and live with pain or in a situation that doesn't utilize our full potential? No. By first accepting things, we put our minds in a place that will allow us to see more clearly what needs to be adjusted. When we don't accept something, we are throwing it out entirely and we build up a huge mental resistance to everything about that thing. When we accept it, we see that most of it is likely fine, but we may notice a few things that really aren't serving our life's progress well. We can then patiently and humbly consider those things and consider making a wise change of direction. Much of the second half of the Tao Te Ching provides guidance to leaders of ancient Chinese factions living in conflict. Over and over again Lao Tzu reminds us that wise leaders are very hesitant to go to war, and when they do, they do what they need to do swiftly and with perfect precision. It's the same in our lives as we contemplate making changes. It's tempting to think our lives will be magically transformed if we just get a new job or move or get a new romantic partner. But the wise approach to making life better is to first see the good in the present and then carefully and humbly consider a change only when it is clearly needed.

Acceptance and Truth

Another reason acceptance is so powerful is that it helps us see and accept the full truth of a situation. When I accept that my child is a slow learner, I also see the truth that my child is more than his or her learning ability. When I accept that having a beautiful garden is going to take a lot of time and patience, I also see the truth that I may not have time right now to commit to a garden, and that I can’t do everything all at once. Wherever there is pain or confusion in your life, try evaluating it in terms of what you need to accept about the situation and see what truths are illuminated for you.

Acceptance Leads to Peace

When we choose acceptance, we become like water. Over and over again in the TTC, Lao Tzu tells us that the soft will survive while the hard will crumble.

Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield.

When we accept something, we become like water, and we are able to painlessly yield to the challenges life brings. When something painful or disappointing happens to us, fully accepting the situation can bring a sense of peace that resistance never will.

"Water is the supreme example of acceptance. It never struggles, it simply flows. It does not resist its path. It does not resist The Tao or the way. It just is. And even though water is the most humble of things—offering no resistance—it is also the strongest of things. By simply flowing, it is capable of wearing away even the most solid rock." (Live Love Simple)

Acceptance Robs a Negative Force of its Strength

Another way to describe acceptance is non-resistance. Rather than fighting against all the negatives in our life, we choose to step out of the way and let them run their course. It's much like when a fighter, rather than resisting the punch of his competitor, moves out of the way, and the energy of the punch makes the competitor fall forward and stumble. We may think resistance will stop the competitor, but the competitor actually gains strength from resistance! And so we can weaken and defeat many competitors, which is sometimes just our own sadness or frustration, by becoming more non-resistant, becoming more accepting.

As a realtor, I once showed a few houses to a young couple new to house buying. I took my usual low-pressure approach, but when they decided to put an offer on a home, for some reason they decided to contact the listing agent of the house to do that rather than have me write the offer. Writing offers is how a buyer's realtor is paid. So when this happened, I was shocked, hurt and angry. I felt rejected and was painfully disappointed to lose a big commission. I was angry and distraught for days and then finally decided to try to instead accept what had happened. I told myself, "I accept the choice these people made." When I did this, I felt immediate calm. It made me realize that what happened happened and didn’t necessarily indicate I did anything wrong. It also made me realize life would go on and I would be fine. The more I said, “I accept the choice they made,” breathing each time I repeated the phrase, the more at peace I felt. My acceptance and non-resistance robbed this situation of its ability to cause me pain. This is the power of acceptance at work.

Acceptance vs. Desire

To desire is the opposite of acceptance. When I accept my life as it is, I lose desire for the myriad of material items that would clutter my life and take me away from my true purpose. When I accept my partner as he or she is, I let go of the desire for someone that I think will somehow fit me better and make my life better. When I accept myself as I am, I let go of the desire to be something I am not or to be different from how the Tao made me. Often, we can choose acceptance by recognizing desire and letting go of it. This doesn't mean all desires are bad. But we need to evaluate our desires and determine what they really represent. Our desires often reveal pride (desire to be perceived as better than others rather than just a regular person the same as everyone else), blindness to truth, impatience, lack of compassion, materialism, lack of faith in the Tao, and more. The other problem with desire is it is never satisfied. Once one desire is fulfilled, another want starts its incessant knock at our door.

Acceptance and Gratitude

Surely you've heard of the connection between being grateful for the good in your life and feeling happy and at peace. Perhaps you've made a "gratitude list" and discovered how much happier you feel when you realize the good that is already present in your life. Gratitude is similar to acceptance but takes it a step further. Gratitude involves 1) accepting a situation as it is and then 2) acknowledging the role of some higher power in manifesting that goodness in your life, both key Taoist concepts. So gratitude is very Taoist and can be a powerful way to align yourself with the Tao and open yourself up to acceptance and peace

Acceptance and Patience

When we practice acceptance, we accept that to grow anything worthwhile takes time, sometimes an extraordinary amount of time. But this is not a problem for us because we accept the reality that things take time. In this way we are patient, just as nature is patient. When we are patient, we calmly practice our craft or take the necessary next steps one at a time with no concern for the final goal or product. Our only concern is taking the next correct step. We accept the path gladly, and our final destination will present itself without any concern or force on our part.

Acceptance and Change

Acceptance does not mean we become blindly satisfied with everything in our life as it is. It really means seeing the truths in each situation, accepting those truths, and then having the courage to accept the most important truth by making a necessary change, regardless of how difficult that road may be. The tricky part is knowing which truth is the one we need to accept. For example, for many years I worked in a job that I really did not like. It literally robbed me of my will to live each day. I would do my work, and then I was completely emotionally drained for the rest of the night. This cycle went on for years. Why did I stay in the job? Because in a way it was easy and it paid well. I tried to make the job work for me. I tried to see the good in it. But what I needed to accept in this situation was that this job did not allow me to be myself, this was making me miserable, and no amount of money could ever make up for the toll this job was taking on my life. Quitting the job was extremely difficult, but I finally just walked off the cliff. Interestingly, about that time the Tao led me into a relationship where my economic needs were met, so I no longer needed the job. Sometimes the safety net does not appear so easily, though. But to live a life of peace and one that will allow us to flourish, we sometimes must accept that a change is needed and then have the courage to make the change.

Interestingly, the subtitle of the I Ching is "Book of Changes." I take from this that in general, we live a life of acceptance, not disturbing the status quo. But some changes will be necessary, and when it comes time to make a change, the change must be made carefully. So the I Ching exists to guide us to make those changes so they benefit our journey rather than disturb it by reminding us of the importance of patience, perseverance, restraint, tolerance, etc., as we move through our life challenges. I have come to truly appreciate the I Ching! I can't believe how insightful its advice is and how often that advice is amazingly tailored to my specific situation. I am not a superstitious person, but the accuracy of the I Ching has been undeniable. Few things will help you live a Tao based life better than using and contemplating the guidance of the I Ching regularly.

Acceptance of the Power of the Tao

quotes

"Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be." Wayne Dyer

“By desiring little, a poor man makes himself rich.” Democritus

“To want nothing is godlike; and the less we want, the nearer we approach the divine.” Xenophon of Athens

“If things do not turn out as we wish, we should wish for them as they turn out.” Aristotle

“A sage doesn't allow like or dislikes to get in and do him harm - he just lets things be the way they are” Chuang Tzu

“Don’t spoil what you have by desiring what you don’t. Remember that what you now have was once among the things

you only hoped for.” Epicurus

“So long as the object of our craving is unattained, it seems more precious than anything.

But once it is ours, we crave for something else.” Lucretius

“Do the gods light this fire in our hearts or does each man's mad desire become his god?” Virgil

“Curb your desire—don’t set your heart on so many things, and you will get what you need.” Epictetus

“People of this world are deluded. They're always longing for something - always, in a word, seeking.” Bodhidharma

“The Way is not difficult for those without preferences.” Jianzhi Sengcan

“The wise know they have everything they need within themselves. Hence, they do not seek anything outside themselves.” Li Xizhai

“Abandon your desire and take on the light of wisdom, for that desire would soon lead to disappointment.” Rumi

“We grasp at everything, but catch nothing except wind.” Montaigne

Questions for Reflection

What aspects of myself am I struggling with? What am I not accepting about myself?

Am I having any conflicts with others? What am I not accepting about the people or conflicts involved?

What about my job bothers me?

What about the current state of the world bothers me?

What about my home do I not like?

What else in my life am I dissatisfied with?

Now go back through these things and say "I accept that" before each thing you have listed. How does this make you feel? What new insights does this reveal? What would it take to live as if you accepted these things? How would this change your life? When I choose to accept even the negative aspects of my life, I feel a sense of calm. It's as if the anxiety caused by resisting the present is causing me more stress than the situation itself, and when I accept the situation, the anxiety is released.

You might be saying, Yes, but some aspects of my life really are not acceptable. This is probably true, but by doing this exercise and humbly considering what is going on in your life and what you want/need should help you identify what is a real problem and what is not. Then, you can choose what you want to change, perhaps do an I-Ching reading to get some insight about how to change it, and then approach the change process, yourself and others with an attitude of acceptance of reality and the beauty of life.