Holding to yin in a yang world

I've been reflecting recently on how much more at peace I feel when I am holding to the yin side of my being. Remember that we all have both yin and yang energies within us. Yang energy is aggressive, outward facing, active, quick, associated with light and focused on getting. Yin energy is still, inward facing, slow, associated with darkness and focused on receiving. Most of my life I have been all about yang because yang seemed to be the only way to get what I wanted and needed in life. When I was a child, I was dead set on getting living my very best life, and I would work oh so hard to get it. I was a good student, but I continually compared myself to everyone else and felt that becoming "the best" was essential to my success and happiness. I was also religious and believed I needed to "become" a good person in order to reach my potential, so I created endless lists of goals and plans to become the absolute best I could be. And though my intentions were good, it was all very selfish and based on the illusion that somehow I controlled my destiny and that working harder would get me where I wanted to go, and that that place was all I imagined it would be.

Lao Tzu tells us this is the wrong way to go about finding fulfillment and peace. I love chapter 11 of the Tao Te Ching where Lao Tzu tells us essentially that the usefulness of a bowl lies in its emptiness. This is quite counter to what most of us believe. We believe more is more! If I want a better life, I need to go out and get it! I'm going to fill my life to the brim! But what a crazy image this conjures up. Can you see a bowl trying to fill itself? Can you see it moving itself around trying desperately to catch any liquid coming down? In all this franticness, it would be spilling whatever contents it does have and likely miss any magic elixir that would fill it. It is only when it is still and empty that it stands ready to receive the bounty of the universe. So it is with us. In my stillness I will receive. In my emptiness, I stand ready to be filled. And it's not that I want to be filled or am yearning to be filled. I am okay just being an empty, beautiful bowl. But the universe has other plans for a bowl, and if I accept my emptiness and the wisdom of stillness, the good will come.

My husband recently passed away as a result of a long-term illness. At one point when I realized he may not make it, I became more than a little bit anxious about what I would do if he were to pass, especially financially. I decided to toss coins and consult the I Ching about how to face the situation. I was guided to hexagram 2, "Receptive Power," an auspicious hexagram consisting of all yin lines. The hexagram reminded me to focus on realities, or the here and now, rather than potentialities. It told me to simply respond to and gracefully accept the situation rather than try to manipulate it. It counseled me to be patient and mindful, focusing more on feelings than thoughts. In the changing lines, which offer guidance specific to a situation, I was told that a death was coming and to prepare myself, that I should let action spring naturally from inner calm, focus on service and see how my life "would improve by itself," and generally in all ways defer to the situation (read: be 100% yin). (Visionary I Ching, Paul O'Brien) This reading gave me an overwhelming sense of calm. I was surprised at how specifically and accurately it addressed what was going on in our lives, and for this reason I decided to heed to counsel without question. It ended up transforming my husband's last days from those of worry and anxiety to peace and ever deepening love. I no longer worried about the future and instead focused on helping my dear husband and doing whatever was needed to help him through this time. As I sacrificed for him and let go of expectations, deeper love filled our relationship. I realized how empty my life had been of yin energy and how truly it was giving me everything I had been seeking in life - a sense of connection, a feeling of purpose and usefulness, deep peace, and interestingly feelings of self-love and self-acceptance, as well.

Earlier in my life, I remember a speaker in my Christian church talking about the value of women. What she said struck all in attendance and would be quoted for years to come. She said, "The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith" (Patricia Nabauld). This is the spirit of yin, and after my experience with my husband, I have tried to embrace yin much, much more.

In another chapter in the Tao Te Ching, Lao Tzu tells us "See the yang but hold to the yin," meaning that yin, not yang, should be our default energy. So often in the world we see people who believe that they must be yang if they are to bring about the change they want to see. They believe they have to shout and make their voices heard. They believe they have to fight for their rights. They work hard to twist arguments that will bring about their intentions. All this yang drowning out the yin, when it is yin that wins every time.

Even on a small scale and in small, personal interactions, yin wins. Think about it: If you have a gift to give, are you more inclined to give it the one aggressively seeking it, arguing insightfully why they deserve it, or are you more inclined to give it to the person who is humbly waiting for the gift, a sense of gratitude in their eyes?

A bowl's usefulness lies in its emptiness. May I ever be this beautiful bowl . . . .