rejection and loneliness

Some of the most difficult feelings we can experience are rejection and loneliness. I realize they don't always go together, but they are definitely related. Being rejected can make us feel incredibly alone. The irony is that in a world filled with billions of people, a large portion of those people feel like they are living in their own vacuous world with little connection to anyone else. But the truth is, none of us is really alone; we just perceive ourselves to be that way.

Feeling rejected or alone is painful. Maslow identified the core human needs, and the need for acceptance and belonging is number three only after basic physiological needs and safety. We want others to like us - especially that one special someone, and we want to feel like there is somewhere we belong, and not having these things can make life feel painful and hopeless.

So what does Lao Tzu have to say about loneliness? Although many feel a shortcoming of the Tao Te Ching is its lack of commentary on social interaction, Lao Tzu actually comes right out and addresses loneliness, at least in a way. In verse 20 he tells us how different he is from everyone else, and how being so different makes him alone. Don't we feel the most lonely when we look at everyone else and feel that somehow we just don't fit in, like we don't belong there? This is how Lao Tzu seemed to feel. "I alone don't know," he says. "I alone am dim and weak, I have no possessions and drift about like one without a home," he says. We feel his aloneness and maybe hopelessness. But then, in the final line of this verse, he shows us that his situation is fine. "I am different from other people," he says, "and I drink from the great mother's breast." Wow. So although he is alone, although he feels different and perhaps lacking in so many ways, he is actually being nurtured from the source of all wisdom and goodness, the "great mother" or the Tao. Being nourished in this way, he truly has all he needs.

I think it's significant that he first admits to his isolation. To me he is again reminding us of the power of acceptance. When we get angry about being alone or rejected or wallow in self-doubt and pain, we are doing the opposite of accepting. It's like the boulder vs. the river. Life is the river. It is coming at us. If we don't like it, we can become angry and hard, like the boulder, and try to make the river stop and change! Or, we can choose to be like water and let life flow right over us. It's so tempting to be the boulder. It makes sense to feel bad and angry! But when we let go of wanting things to be different than they are, we realize - it's not that bad! I will be fine. So, rather than feel angry at the rejector or desperately sad that we alone are alone, we accept it. We know the Tao is in charge, and the Tao cares for all of its creations, so we will be okay even though we can't quite understand why what is happening is happening.

But Lao Tsu takes this one step further and helps us realize that if we are living by the Tao, we should expect to be alone and seen as different. Others are likely not living this way, so it makes sense that we will feel different from them. It is important to note here the folly of wanting to be accepted or desired by someone who does not see life clearly. If someone has treated you badly, THEY are in the wrong, not you. You don't WANT them to want you. You must see that someone who is living the right way would never treat you badly. Yea, they might reject you, but they would do it with kindness. So, we accept aloneness or rejection, and we accept that not everyone is following the Tao, and we are okay with that. We also accept that MOST people aren't following the Tao. We might also consider why we wanted to be with someone that is not living the way we believe life should be lived, too. We are not here to judge, but that doesn't mean we can't make wise decisions about who we will let into our world or not.

When we are living the Tao, we also know we are never truly alone. Although Lao Tzu sees himself alone, he is nourished by the great Mother, and he is also part of the great tapestry of life around him. He may have lost a false lover, but he has the trees and squirrels to talk to. He has the wind to embrace him. This may sound crazy, but I and others have really experienced it. Being around other living things that are completely in tune with the Tao is comforting and truly does help you feel part of the family of life.

One final idea. One of my favorite lines in the Tao Te Ching is

Affirmations

I am never alone when I am at one with the Tao.

What others do to me and think of me doesn't matter. All that matters is being at one with the Tao so the Tao can guide my path.

If I am following the Tao, others will only see me clearly to the extent they, too, are following the Tao (not necessarily consciously). Therefore, I let the judgments of the less enlightened flutter away.

If I just step into nature, I am immediately surrounded by a true, accepting, vibrant with life family of the universe.